Gears of War 3

 Gears of War 3

So Gears of War 3 was released recently and there's nothing I like better than to play a AAA release and nitpick about things like how the main character's pants don't match his shirt. I've played the previous two Gears games, however one things that always annoyed me was the lack of explanation as to just what the fuck is going on. You get thrown into this post-apocalyptic cityscape infested with monstrous locust creatures and nobody thinks to tell you just what happened, so my understanding of the story is weak at best. I've always considered the franchise to be a shoot first, ask questions never sort of scenario, so it's with this grim outlook that I entered Gears of War 3 or as I affectionately call it "Solve all your problems by chainsawing the shit out of them."

Dead Island

Have you ever had a rough night after which you wake up with a killer headache, mysterious scars and wearing pants that don't belong to you? I had a similar experience in Dead Island, except I woke up and everyone was fucking zombies. What the hell did I do last night!? Wait, I was a male when I went to bed, so I'm either wearing women's clothing or I switched fucking genders last night. As much as I wish these were just humorous punchlines, they're actually my experience entering into Dead Island. I wish I were fucking joking about this shit.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Deus Ex - Human Revolution

Anyone who has read my articles knows that Deus Ex and I have a long history. In a world where I feel like PC games are made specifically to irritate me I am comfortable in the knowledge that there is a warm and loving copy of Deus Ex waiting for me to come in from the cold. When Human Revolution was first announced, I was apprehensive and anyone who has played Invisible War will know why (it sucked ridiculous amounts of cock.) Deus Ex provided me with something stable and deep, drawing on real world conspiracies and legends to create a fictional world that is rich an expansive in spite of the fact that the buildings on the horizon appear to be made of cardboard with its face blurred out on a cop show. For the most part, leading up to release, I kept my head buried firmly under my blanket, ignoring all press information on Human Revolution. This was partially out of fear that it would be... how do you say... fucking abysmal; but also because of a tiny 12 year old inside me eagerly hoping that perhaps I'd be surprised by an old friend holding a box of chocolates in one hand and a compelling narrative in the other.

The long, cold winter of no game releases

If you're able to competently visit the bathroom on your own, you've probably noticed that lately game releases have been decidedly sparse. Of course, by sparse I mean nothing worth playing has been released in fucking forever. Yeah, yeah, there's the obligatory Sims DLC and 800 "indie" games that are just angsty versions of Super Mario Bros. Judging by the release calendar, this starvation of entertainment is going to run all the way through until Human Revolution is released on the 25th. You can only sing Ballroom Blitz on Rock Band so many times before you start feeling silly (just joking, I feel silly every time I sing that shit) and to pass the time I've decided to judge games on the near future release calendar solely on their titles and platforms.

Why I'm bitter about Halo: Anniversary

In 2001 Microsoft's XBOX had its killer app, its console-selling title, it had Halo: Combat Evolved. Say what you want about the Halo series, there's no denying the acclaim and success Halo: CE achieved. Selling over 5 million copies, many of those also selling XBOX consoles, achieving perfect scores with multiple reputable critics and earning a place in the hearts of not-so-reputable critics (like myself,) Halo: CE leaves a legacy that is difficult to surpass. Now ten years later, Microsoft has announced Halo: Anniversary, and I'm pissed.

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

I'm not sure if anyone but me likes Spider-Man but I've loved that shit since I was a kid. Today I'd like to write about my experience with Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, not because it's a new release (it isn't) but because I fucking feel like it. I know I said I was going to do S.T.A.L.K.E.R but not having auto-save pisses me off.

Dungeon Siege III

Dungeon Siege III

Playing Dungeon Siege III brought a stark realisation to me: I've robbed more imaginary graves than any healthy person should. You know in Borderlands where you'll open a chest and your character will say "Ooooooh! Loot!" Yeah, that's me every single fucking time I pull the wedding ring off a corpse in a crypt. Is this bordering on mental illness? Probably. Do I care? Not in the slightest.