The long, cold winter of no game releases

If you're able to competently visit the bathroom on your own, you've probably noticed that lately game releases have been decidedly sparse. Of course, by sparse I mean nothing worth playing has been released in fucking forever. Yeah, yeah, there's the obligatory Sims DLC and 800 "indie" games that are just angsty versions of Super Mario Bros. Judging by the release calendar, this starvation of entertainment is going to run all the way through until Human Revolution is released on the 25th. You can only sing Ballroom Blitz on Rock Band so many times before you start feeling silly (just joking, I feel silly every time I sing that shit) and to pass the time I've decided to judge games on the near future release calendar solely on their titles and platforms.


The first thing that catches my unjustified hatred is something called "Chainz Galaxy" which is a PC/Mac puzzle game. I'd just like to inform the world that spelling shit with a 'z' instead of an 's' stopped being cool several fucking seconds after it was first used. I think my major issue with puzzle games these days is that they all try to cram some bullshit contrived storyline down your throat when all you want to do is match colours or be insulted by your own failure to perform menial mathematical tasks. Does this game do that? No fucking clue.


Age of Empires Online. I want to love the idea but I can't. Yeah, I'm bitter because I suck ass at RTS games; I can't micromanage all five fingers on my hand let alone an army 300 strong. I don't know anything about Age of Empires Online, so it opens up the possibility of me making ridiculous claims like "Microsoft will use a cash-shop to take all your money" and "trolls will fuck up your shit." If this game is any good, I'll be interested to see how it's pulled off.

I don't know who named this next game but he needs a medal and then admittance to a mental institution. Pucca Power Up. It sounds like a prison sim in which you play Edward Norton in the shower during American History X. It's a Nintendo DS title, so hopefully you'll be able to draw your own tattoos on him. Is it gonna star that kid who was in Terminator 2 also?

"6 Great Games," a compilation pack for the PC/Mac. I'm always very wary of compilation packs; they advertise 6 great games but instead you get one mediocre game and five atrocities. I've been noticing that a lot of these games are just badly made Flash games, the likes of which you can play on pretty much every fucking site on the internet (except you can usually find something good on the websites.)

From Dust is on this release calendar, from what I've heard it sounds an awful lot like Black & White which was released just a little after Peter Molyneux lost his shit. I love watching Zero Punctuation and seeing the graphic Yahtzee uses for Molyneux; the hollow soulless eyes almost suit him, especially after all the pain he's caused me.

If there's something that pisses me off, it's Bowling games. On the calendar is Brunswick Pro Bowling on every fucking console ever. I understand that some people are enthused about bowling, but it's not really a complicated enough game for new release video games; arcade games from 10 years ago captured the entire fucking sports. You throw a ball at the pins, guys, how does that translate into current gen?

While I'm here complaining about shit that will offend you, let me just touch on the recent Euclideon-fiasco. After their initial video release, Minecraft creator "notch" was very critical of the company, and by "very critical" I mean he dropped phrases like "It's a scam." C'mon you ugly-hat wearing bastard, I understand the natural cynicism you build up in the games industry is overpowering, but you can't let it get the best of you. Recently Euclideon released another video effectively spanking the shit out of notch which is exactly what I like to see; there's nothing better than a company willing to directly respond to criticism instead of having their lawyer serve up a pre-written statement.

In other news, I will officially sell my body to Satan for Skyrim; I haven't been this excited since I found out I'd be getting that organ transplant that would save my life and you can't even slay dragons on a second-hand liver. Just look at the awesome shit that comes with the collector's edition:

Just to finish off, an update on the article I'm writing about competing in FPS games. I've written a few paragraphs, however it will certainly be a bit before I release it. It's difficult to cram how fucking amazing I am into something as restrictive as written language. It's on the way, folks.