10 games you should be required by law to have played

Throughout my many years (some would say wasted, fuck those guys) gaming, I've come across quite a few games that I believe it should be against the law not to have played. The penalty for breaking the law would come under cruel and unusual punishment and involves a garden hose. Read through this list and if you see a game you've yet to play, you best get your ass in gear and play it.


10. Deus Ex

 Deus Ex is probably one of the most memorable cyberpunk games ever made. It was developed by Ion Storm and released in June of the year 2000. It's a very intricate game, using elements of RPG and First-Person Shooters to create an immersive experience the likes of which nobody had seen before. The game centers on the actions of one J.C. Denton, a human who has been augmented using nanotechnology which allows him to be superior to ordinary humans in every way. The world in which J.C lives is a bleak, dystopian future of humanity that is all the more chilling due to its use of common conspiracy theories to make it feel 'close to home.' During the game you will visit places like Hong Kong, New York City and even Area 51. The characters in Deus Ex are very fleshed out, giving them an almost human feel. J.C himself is a little icy and characterless, however this serves as an empty container into which you can pour your own version of who you think J.C. Denton is. Perhaps he's a paragon of righteousness or maybe he's a self-serving douchebag, the choice is up to you.


As with any game, there are certain flaws that I feel I should point out. First of all, become very well acquainted with the quick-save feature as sometimes throwing an innocent looking switch will result in something large and nasty using your credit card to pick you out of its teeth. You should also hoard healthpacks and ammunition like it's the end of the world (mainly because it's the end of the fucking world.) Avoid falls, as J.C's legs are made of some kind of porcelain and will shatter upon even the slightest fall; nothing is more degrading than having to crawl into battle with a mech because your legs were broken on the way down.

9. Grand Theft Auto IV

  A few people may be surprised to see this game on the list, myself included. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you: when GTAIV came out, I fucking hated it. I could not stand it and I refused to play it for more than a few hours before putting it away and not playing it again for about a year. After that year, I picked it up again and decided to play for nostalgia or self-loathing (probably the latter) and found myself astounded that I hadn't liked it the first time around.
Grand Theft Auto IV genuinely surprised me in quite a few areas. Foremost, in a franchise historically dedicated to shooting cops and mowing down civillians as a faceless, personality-void death-robot, Grand Theft Auto IV provides a surprising, almost disturbing, amount of depth. On the surface, Nico Bellic strikes you as a typical thug, an immigrant from Europe come to play gangster in the United States. As the game progresses, you learn a lot more about Nico and the people surrounding him and you begin to understand him. Nico is an ex-soldier from the Balkan Peninsula who participated as a youth in the Yugoslav Wars. He holds on to a lot of pain from his time in the war, his constant need for revenge and closure driving him is his primary weakness. Nico is very protective of his family and friends, especially his cousin Roman (who is a gambling lowlife) and actually saves his life multiple times. It's easy to see from Nico's dialogue and past that he's not a criminal at heart, just a product of the difficult life he has led, driving him to being destructive and murderous as well as cohorting with criminals. Events throughout the game eventually lead you to sympathise with Nico; his soul is not pure but it is most certainly 100% human.
In terms of gameplay, GTAIV is standard GTA fare; steal cars, shoot bad guys and buy things. The graphical overhaul is a big jump from previous GTA titles. Side missions are fairly varied and interesting and also unlock good rewards from your companions, ranging from calling a taxi to putting a bomb on a car. If you're looking for an easy laugh, try watching the TV in Nico's apartment. Find a program called "Republican Space Rangers."

8. The Legend of Zelda - Ocarina of Time

Ocarina of time was Link's first foray into the realm of 3D. Despite being the fifth game in the Legend of Zelda franchise, Ocarina of Time remains one of the most iconic games produced by Nintendo and in fact, the games industry as a whole. The game follows the story of Link as he tries to prevent the evil Ganondorf from obtaining the triforce, which would make his dark power absolute. The pitch sounds simple enough, but the path is more than convoluted. Some may consider this a bad thing but I hardly consider it such; each dungeon and area is fun to explore and complete. Dungeons themselves pioneered the classic Legend of Zelda dungeon format so popular today (ripped off in such games as Darksiders.) The atmosphere of Ocarina of Time is easily one of the best ever made, with each zone feeling different and relevant to location. Graveyards are spooky, castles are intimidating and the open expanse is freeing. Ocarina of Time is also the first appearance of Link's trusty steed, Epona, setting a precedent for main characters having a companion-mount (seen in games like Shadow of the Colossus and Darksiders again...)
The gameplay of Ocarina of Time is incredibly varied. A majority of it is combat however it is broken up by horseback travel, puzzles, stealth sections, free roam, mini-games and some of the most epic boss fights in history. This game is a definite must play, the penalty for avoiding this one is actually death. Get to work.

7. Beyond Good and Evil

Beyond Good and Evil is a tragic case of an absolutely marvelous game being a complete commercial failure. Beyond Good and Evil is the story of Jade, an investigative reporter with some amazing fighting skills as she attempts to oust an alien invasion conspiracy disguised as a government agency. The story is deep and engrossing, however I will say that the ending is lackluster. Be prepared for it.
Gameplay in Beyond Good and Evil is some of the best puzzle/stealth you will ever play. It also has a lot of photography, both for main missions and side quests. Whilst boss fights are not a major selling point of this title, there are a few good ones involving clever strategies.
The stealth gameplay can become somewhat frustrating at times, however checkpoints are given very generously, so when you fuck up (and you will fuck up) you won't lose an hour of progress. The one major issue I have with this game is the stupid fucking race sections. They're poorly done and no fun at all, luckily there's only a handful of them so you can knock them out fairly easily.

6. Super Mario Bros.

A true classic, Super Mario Bros. (released in 1985) is the second appearance of our Italian plumber protagonist who would become the most widely recognised character in video gaming history. Super Mario Bros. is a true platformer with adorable 8-bit graphics and catchy theme music (that you can hear in your head right now.) The game follows Mario as he attempts to rescue his princess, only to be stumped at each castle when he learns she is no longer there. The story isn't deep or thoughtful, but it's simple and it works.
Gameplay is Super Mario Bros. is perhaps the most fucking frustrating shit ever. I'm telling you now, Mario does not jump like a normal human being and he floats in this bizarre way that is impossible to grasp. This only adds to the charm though, as you master the timing of the jumps and find yourself finishing stages in 45 seconds flat.
Another notable point about this game is that it spawned a major franchise for Nintendo resulting in Mario being in more games than actually fucking exist, somehow. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Mario has been seen in almost every genre known to man now including sports, racing, art, action/adventure, RPG and that awesome game on Mario Paint where you swat flies and shit. I loved that game.

5. Minecraft

Although I've never been a big fan of Indie games, I've always respected the independent developer for their contribution to gaming. In my nightmares I see a world where every game has an EA or Activision logo stamped on the front right next to the $300 price tag. The indie developer is the dream to this nightmare, I just wish I enjoyed more indie games.
Minecraft is a relatively recent indie game by developer Mojang, who, had Minecraft not been in this list, would have won first place for most bizarre developer name (followed closely by Double Fine.)
Don't expect to have your hand held in this game, you make your own way literally all the time. There is no objective, you're simply dumped in the middle of a sandbox and you go to work building whatever the fuck you want. 800 giant dicks later, I eventually got around to building a very nice seaside fishing village complete with lighthouse and all that jazz.
The graphics in Minecraft go for that pixelated nostalgic feel, however skin packs are available and easy to install to make the shit-ugly graphics into something more appreciable. There's really only so much I can say about Minecraft because it's a lot like the Matrix; you have to see it for yourself (except you don't have to nail some masculine chick.) Go play it.

4. Shadow of the Colossus

  
Shadow of the Colossus is brilliant. There's really no other word I can use to describe it. It's brilliant. Allow me to pitch you an idea: You are a hero named Wander, you're in an expansive yet deserted world and your goal is to slay 16 enormous boss monsters, each called a 'colossus.' To kill these colossi, you must scale its enormous body to find its weakness and stab the shit out of it. Awesome, right? It's a simple pitch and it works. There's some story to go along with it that is a little confusing, it's probably best that you play it instead of me butchering it by trying to explain it. 
A lot of gameplay in Shadow of the Colossus is devoted to travel between each colossus and each is located in invariably difficult to reach locations. Luckily you have your trusty steed, named Agro, who will carry you faithfully across the world. Occasionally, Agro will be unable to carry you past certain obstacles and you will be required to dismount and continue on foot, often scaling cliffs and structures to reach your destination.
Shadow of the Colossus provides a very immersive world and also makes liberal use of the bloom function, which seems laughable now but this was cutting edge shit back then. The controls can be a bit fidgety, but you'll get used to them. Go at it.


3. Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time

I'm gonna be as honest as I can be right now: I have an enormous bias in regards to this game, due to it being my favourite game ever made. In my defence though, it's a pretty fucking spectacular game.
The Sands of Time is a gem of a game made by Ubisoft, a developer so fucking awesome words can not describe them. A very tight action/adventure game with a bunch of platforming and a dash of puzzle make this game one of my fondest experiences thus far.
The story follows the Prince (of Persia) after his father invades a nation. The Prince, at this point, is kind of a prick, so he sets out to the city's treasure vault to net himself some loot (I'd do the same) and through a series of events accidentally turns everyone bar himself, the princess of the invaded kingdom and the mastermind of the catastrophe, into monstrous sand beasts who attempt to slay them.
The most impressive part of The Sands of Time is the relationship between the Prince and the princess, Farah, and the way in which it changes over the course of the game. A truly evolving character, the prince winds up a different person by the end of the game.
The mechanics are absolutely as solid as can be wished for, except maybe for some finicky camera control (especially in combat.) The dagger of time grants you the power to control time itself, allowing you to rewind several seconds to rectify mistakes you may make or even avert your own death. This mechanic goes hand in hand with the challenging, yet fun, platforming aspect of the game. The prince is a master climber, scaling walls and pillars with ease. Eventually, this will become Ubisoft's specialty with the Prince's astounding success with this mechanic (examples seen in the Assassin's Creed series.)


2. Bioshock

In terms of atmospheric games, Bioshock takes the cake for me. Of course it's a metaphorical cake, so it's not really an amazing prize, but hey, it's an atmospheric-as-shit game.
Bioshock is a game in which you play a silent protagonist (for the thousandth time) whose plane crashes in the ocean. Taking refuge in a nearby lighthouse, you find a bathysphere which transports you to the depths of the ocean into a hidden underwater city called Rapture. Rapture is the vision of Andrew Ryan, who wished to create a society free from oppression from government, economic and religious pressures and oppression. Rapture's ideal utopia eventually degrades into a dystopia, with the inhabitants driven insane by their genetic augmentation.
As I previously stated, Bioshock is a very atmospheric game. It can be chilling to hear the drip drip drip of water punctuated by the clump... clump... clump... of a Big Daddy as he escorts his Little Sister around, or worse still hushed whispers and chuckles from the darkness all around you.
Bioshock is very story driven and its story is very engrossing, keeping you engaged until the very end. Actions you take in the game also decide what kind of ending the game concludes with, providing an incentive to play in a style that suits you.
Gameplay is very solid, with an amazing 1950's steampunk theme. Guns are satisfying to use, the wrench is a blast, plasmids are fun, useful and imaginative. Combinations of all your abilities and weapons can result in hilarity or amazement by all involved.


1. Psychonauts

Psychonauts comes from the brilliant and/or twisted mind of Tim Schafer. It's a difficult game to classify, so we'll just call it a platformer. You play as a young psychic named Raz who attends a training ground  for psychically gifted children disguised as a summer camp.
The game is spent mostly exploring the minds of others, resulting in quirky, hilarious or disturbing results. The style of the game is very quirky and bizarre, but endearingly so, and the sets are incredibly diverse, owing to the different minds that Raz explores.
Storytelling plays a strong part in Psychonauts, with a deep, engrossing but comedic narrative that unfolds around you. Secondary objectives are available, encouraging exploration and rewarding you with improved psychic abilities.
For some odd reason, Raz's circus family is cursed and as a result, being in close proximity to water will end in your getting pretty badly reamed. Best to avoid the pool, friends.


This wraps up my list of games for which I will, without hesitation, stab you for never having played should we ever meet. If need be, tattoo this on your chest with a Bic pen and a sewing needle so that you can at least prove to me that you are making an effort at improving.

Until next time.